Published Article
by Patricia Fry
2001 – Signs of the Times
Your FriendsDo you stay in touch with friends like you used to? How many times this year
have you seen or talked to your best friend? When did you last participate in a
planned activity with friends? If you’re like many adults, time with your
friends has become a luxury you can scarcely afford.
Gone are the days of frequent chats over the back fence with neighbors.
People are away from home more now and when they return, they crave privacy.
Where we used to know all of our neighbors by name right down to their pet
hamster, today many of us identify neighbors only by the cars we see them
driving into their garages.
The Value of Friendships
Do we need friends in our busy lives? Psychologists and healthcare
professionals chime a resounding “Yes.” It seems that healthy
relationships promote a healthier you. In fact, according to a 1979 study by
the California Department of Health, people with social ties outlive those with
few or no friends. Why? Loneliness promotes stress and depression which
promotes illness and friendships are a buffer against loneliness.
While it’s worthwhile to establish new friendships, long-time friends
are especially valuable in that you’ve already laid the groundwork for the
friendship. There’s a comfort zone with long-time friends because you
share a common history. With old friends, you can generally pick up where you
left off even after periods of separation. Old friendships are more
straightforward—you’re no longer negotiating for position or
struggling to be understood.
Making new friends is exciting, but it becomes more difficult as we mature.
We’re more picky about who we want in our lives. We set stricter
boundaries. Our standards are higher.
Make Friends Important Again
Distance and time are the two thieves of friendships. How does one continue
long-distance and close friendships despite busy schedules?
Make time for friends. If you’re having trouble maintaining
your friendships, schedule time with friends as if they’re a priority.
Don’t pencil them in, but write their name boldly on your calendar.
As with anything worthwhile, friends take time, work and effort. Show a
genuine interest in the other person. If you live nearby, carpool to work so
you can spend time together during your commute, volunteer together or do your
chores together. Help her wash windows or wallpaper her kitchen and get her to
come work with you in your garden. It will take you half the time to complete
the task, you’ll have fun doing it and your friendship will grow.
Angelique meets her friend, Marcia, in the park once a week to chat while
their children play. She says, “It’s practically the only chance we
get to see each other anymore, so we really do take advantage of this
opportunity. If the weather is bad, we go to the mall. The kids play on their
indoor play area while we chat over a cup of mocha.” Incorporate
friends into your daily activities. When you’re busy, you may have to
be creative in order to see your friends. Rather than folding clothes in front
of the TV again tonight, invite your favorite neighbor over for a glass of
lemonade or a cup of tea after you put your children to bed. Hubby out for the
evening? Have friends over for a potluck or a slumber party. Take an extra half
hour for lunch and meet friends near the office for a bite to eat. Invite your
friends to workout with you a couple of times a week. Be a friend. What
do you want in a friend? Someone who genuinely cares about you and demonstrates
this by staying in touch? Maybe you want a friend who will invite you out once
in a while, drop you a note occasionally and who always has time for you when
you need to talk or to cry. The best way to have a friend like this is to be a
friend like this.
When you know your friend has lost his job or his mother is scheduled for
surgery, call to ask how things are and if there’s anything you can do. It
helps in stressful situations like this just to know that someone cares.
Maybe your friend is studying for her college exam, has just applied for a
job or is expecting her first grandchild. Call or send a note of support and
then check back to ask the results and share in the joy or the sorrow. The
friends I value most in my life are those who demonstrate that they genuinely
care about my struggles and my joys.
Give and take. In an ideal friendship, sometimes you call your friend
and sometimes s/he calls you. Sometimes you suggest an activity for the two of
you and sometimes your friend does. When you’re together, neither of you
monopolizes the conversation. Certainly, there are times when one friend needs
a little extra prodding, comforting or attention, but in a healthy
relationship, there will be a good balance of give and take.
Neglect is a common reason for the demise of a friendship. Lydia knows this
only too well. She says, “I have no tolerance anymore for people who
don’t participate in the friendship. I’ve had friends for years who I
talk to only when I call them or when they need something from me. Lately,
I’ve been putting more effort into my friendships where there’s more
giving and less taking.”
Stay in touch. Get into the calling and writing habit. It
means a lot to receive a cheery greeting from a dear friend even if only on the
answering machine when you return from a grueling day at work. It’s
uplifting to open a note of adoration and appreciation from a friend.
If you’re a long-distance friend, one way to stay in touch is by making
a specific date to talk by phone on a regular basis—once a week or once a
month on Sunday afternoon or Thursday evening, for example.
Keep note cards in your car or purse and write to friends while waiting in
the doctor’s office or for your child at soccer practice.
Don’t let your friendships fade. Whenever thoughts of your friend pop
into your mind, jot her name down on your calendar or on a sticky note and vow
to call her the next time you have a few minutes.
Internet friendships. The Internet is a fun way to stay connected
with long-time friends and to meet knew ones. Use email or Instant Messaging to
visit with friends. Reserve a chat room just for the two of you.
Meet new friends by responding to bulletin board messages in areas of your
interest. I have three wonderful Internet friends – two whom I met at an
Internet writing club site and one I met through a grandparenting message
board.
Make new friends. Additional ideas for meeting new people and
establishing new friendships might include: joining a group or starting one.
Common interests are always a great basis for starting a friendship. Volunteer
in an area of your interest and/or expertise. Say “Yes,” more often
when invited out. Attend activities that would draw the sort of people you want
to meet: church, art shows, writing groups, a book club, car shows or a cooking
class, for example. If you’re new to an area, join a newcomers club and
meet others who are anxious to make new friends.
With relatively little effort and genuine desire, you can build friendships
that are valuable growing experiences. Nurture your friendships and you will
receive some of God’s highest rewards.
Patricia Fry is the author of A Writer’s
Guide to Magazine Articles for Book Promotion and Profit (Matilija Press,
2000).
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